Only in Britain …

Only in Britain ,,, Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain … do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain will you find disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain do we complain constantly that the government does not invest in health, rail, education etc., and then vote for the party that promises tax cuts.

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Growing a church!

Just came across this …

In growing a healthy, fruit-bearing church, try this plan:

Plant three rows of squash:
• Squash gossip.
• Squash criticism.
• Squash indifference.

Plant seven rows of peas:
• Prayer
• Promptness
• Perseverance
• Politeness
• Preparedness
• Purity
• Patience

Plant seven heads of lettuce:
• Let us be unselfish and loyal.
• Let us be faithful to duty.
• Let us search the Scriptures.
• Let us not be weary in well-doing.
• Let us be obedient in all things.
• Let us be truthful.
• Let us love one another.

No garden is complete without turnips:
• Turn up for church.
• Turn up for meetings, in prayer, and Bible study.
• Turn up with a smile, even when things are difficult.
• Turn up with determination to do your best in God’s service.

Gonna be a bear

In this life I'm a woman. In the next life I'd like to come back a bear.

When you're a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!